At the beginning I know I was somewhat “scared” or “hesitant” about what the Lord was going to do with me, or in my life! However, through spiritual direction, prayer and fellowship with people of God, my heart desired something more than I could comprehend and my only option was to open my heart and trust the Lord. It wasn’t easy, but through prayer the Lord made it feel easy at times.
I desire to be completely surrounded by the Lord, in union with the Lord, so that He may radiate His love to all those I encounter. The more my relationship with Jesus is strengthened and deepened, the more I am open to His will and in serving Him. His joy, His gentleness is able to move in me for the glory of God’s kingdom on earth and in heaven!
To some people this may sound like I want to marry Jesus (meaning, spend my life in a religious order). Well, I discerned not only once, but twice for an answer from the Lord about my vocation, religious versus marriage. To God be all of the glory, I can humbly and gratefully thank the Lord for my vocation to the married life!
When I was in Italy, specifically Sienna (Fall 2009), I was praying and standing before the blessed Mother statue where there were dimmed lights and one light shining on her only. In silence, honoring her and staring upon her beauty, my heart was jolted with complete joy and my eyes filled with tears. The Lord was blessing me. I was amazed by her beauty as a woman of God, called by our Heavenly Father, our King, to bear His child. She humbly and lovingly said yes to His call for her life. I admired her obedience to God’s call. I also experienced joy and love in coming to understand her love for her Son, God’s son, Jesus. Our blessed Mother, Mary, had such great love, patience, gentleness, understanding, self-control, kindness, and joy in raising Jesus for the glory of God. She trusted God with all of her heart, her body, her mind and her spirit! Lord God, may we all imitate Mary’s love for you in trust and hope!
This event was powerful, as I came to understand a little bit more about loving God in all of my ways, through obedience and trust in Him. I also began to desire pure holiness!! Mary was so holy that God chose her to bear His child! Hallelujah! In coming to understand Mary, I began to desire and understand purity. Thank You, God! It doesn’t stop there though. I also desired to love people, especially children with God’s love, which is unending, patient and gentle. For sure, I thought this confirmed my vocation to bear children through marriage.
When I returned to the United States, I spoke with my spiritual director, by the way he is a Franciscan brother, TOR and so abundantly blessed! He did reassure me that the Lord is speaking to my heart about my vocation, and will use different events so we can hear Him clearly. (By the way, I am beginning to shed those joyful tears that I tend to shed because I feel quite overwhelmed and filled with the Holy Spirit!)
As my relationship with Jesus continued to grow, through trials and challenges, periods of consolation and desolation, my heart was significantly being transformed before my eyes! Through much prayer, discernment, scripture studying, fellowship, group prayer, praise and worship (almost everyday!), the Lord had something deep He wanted me to know.
Summer of 2010, following graduation from physical therapy school and preparing to take the licensing exam, my days consisted of prayer, praise and worship, scripture, studying of course, daily mass, adoration weekly, and fellowship. For about 5-6 weeks this was my day in a nutshell. Oh yeah, fasting often as well (which I can get into another time!).
During adoration one day, the Lord was so present and spoke to me like He never has before. In complete surrender, and spending time close to Him, He revealed himself to me in an image. The image was Him staring into my eyes about 6-inches from my face, holding my face in the palm of His hands! Thank You, Lord! He held me close and stared into my eyes in a gentle, yet firm way. My heart was set on fire, and all I could do was say yes to whatever He was calling to!
Following my time with the Lord, I left and shed a lot of tears, not 100 percent sure what the Lord was telling me. I called Michelle, and had to speak with my spiritual director in direction for prayer about this. I found myself sobbing at times, because in my heart I felt the Lord was calling me to a religious vocation. I cried because it felt as though my whole world was crashing, from what I had planned to now considering complete opposite directions. I felt selfish in not rejoicing to what Jesus was calling me to, but it was only in time that I found peace to clearly discern further.
Through again, prayer, time with the Lord, scripture, adoration, mass, fasting, fellowship, and prayer with Brother, the Lord revealed God was calling me to “motherhood.” This called for further discernment, spiritual versus natural motherhood. Spiritual motherhood definitely resides and sets my heart on fire, with peace of Christ. However, the Lord also brings joy and peace when I ask Him about natural motherhood, and spousal marriage. I have been convicted that my vocation is marriage! Thank You, God!
The image the Lord blessed me with during adoration and in spending time close to Him revealed He is calling me to never go astray from Him; to remain in Him, with Him, in all that I am and all that I do. Today, about 8 months later, the Lord has confirmed in my heart, I desire to remain in community with Him at all times! As a disciple, I desire to witness to other people through my actions, words, thoughts and body. I am a vessel for the Lord, to be “used” for His glory!
In my coming to know the Lord, and experience His love, I know He will never let me down. He is the only One who consistently loves me (all of us!). He is so faithful, and satisfies the deepest desire of my heart. My relationship with Jesus will forever be the most important one. While understanding and believing this, I have hope that in spousal love and marriage, my husband will mirror Jesus. He will show me the love of God. In order to know, believe, understand and desire this, God needs to be the center of my life!
Some might think this is “unrealistic” for someone to mirror, or “be” someone’s Jesus as a spouse, but this is what God’s intentions were, and still are, for human love. Jesus can never be replaced. His love and His ways can be present though, in men and women. This is what my heart desires for myself, and for my spouse. We are humans, and yes we will be disappointed at times, experience hurt or pain, struggle with sin or desires of the flesh, but when Christ is the center of two hearts, the rest falls into place!
I have truly been blessed while the Lord patiently helped my eyes, my mind and my heart learn and understand the true meaning of love, and spousal love through marriage. Don’t get me wrong here, I am still learning!! The Lord has been patient, and I thank Him for that. I have had one relationship in Christ since my ongoing conversion really started. It lasted about 5 months and it was a huge blessing to me. I hope he can say the same.
Through guidance from my best friend Michelle who brought me close to the Lord and prayer for me and with me many times, she encouraged me to begin to pray for my heart to be changed into the woman God is calling me to be for my husband. She also encouraged me to pray for my husband, yes, before knowing him! Through these prayers and the presence of the Lord, He reveals to us certain things about ourselves that we can grow in so that we will be ready when the day comes to commit to someone else, as well as know the qualities in a man that will glorify God. It helps with the discernment process, especially when you meet someone you may want to consider getting to know. Remember, God is so gentle and desires to speak with us and to us, He doesn’t want to hide and leave secrets. We just have to ask Him and patiently await His answers, in His time.
Again, I could go on and on. The Lord has blessed me this morning to tie a few things together. Glory to You, Lord! For Your great glory, I witness Your love and truth. Thank You, Lord.
"Caught up in the wonder of Your touch, here in this moment, I surrender to Your love." - Here With Me, MercyMe
God bless you ~
- Erin
Again, I could go on and on. The Lord has blessed me this morning to tie a few things together. Glory to You, Lord! For Your great glory, I witness Your love and truth. Thank You, Lord.
"Caught up in the wonder of Your touch, here in this moment, I surrender to Your love." - Here With Me, MercyMe
God bless you ~
- Erin
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