"I can feel Your presence here with me, suddenly I am lost in Your beauty"

Continuing a bit from last night’s blog and regarding my thoughts on, “this IS my life”, I say it like that because at the start of my conversion I didn’t know what to expect.  I focused on my relationship with Christ, my love for God, repenting my sins, purifying my heart, and fulfilling God’s will.  In total surrender, I now find myself  completely captivated in the Truth, the word of God, the grace of the Holy Spirit.  My life and my heart’s desires have completely changed.  I now desire total surrender in all that I am.

At the beginning I know I was somewhat “scared” or “hesitant” about what the Lord was going to do with me, or in my life!  However, through spiritual direction, prayer and fellowship with people of God, my heart desired something more than I could comprehend and my only option was to open my heart and trust the Lord. It wasn’t easy, but through prayer the Lord made it feel easy at times.

I desire to be completely surrounded by the Lord, in union with the Lord, so that He may radiate His love to all those I encounter.  The more my relationship with Jesus is strengthened and deepened, the more I am open to His will and in serving Him.  His joy, His gentleness is able to move in me for the glory of God’s kingdom on earth and in heaven!

To some people this may sound like I want to marry Jesus (meaning, spend my life in a religious order).  Well, I discerned not only once, but twice for an answer from the Lord about my vocation, religious versus marriage.  To God be all of the glory, I can humbly and gratefully thank the Lord for my vocation to the married life!

When I was in Italy, specifically Sienna (Fall 2009), I was praying and standing before the blessed Mother statue where there were dimmed lights and one light shining on her only.  In silence, honoring her and staring upon her beauty, my heart was jolted with complete joy and my eyes filled with tears.  The Lord was blessing me. I was amazed by her beauty as a woman of God, called by our Heavenly Father, our King, to bear His child. She humbly and lovingly said yes to His call for her life.  I admired her obedience to God’s call.  I also experienced joy and love in coming to understand her love for her Son, God’s son, Jesus.  Our blessed Mother, Mary, had such great love, patience, gentleness, understanding, self-control, kindness, and joy in raising Jesus for the glory of God. She trusted God with all of her heart, her body, her mind and her spirit!  Lord God, may we all imitate Mary’s love for you in trust and hope!

This event was powerful, as I came to understand a little bit more about loving God in all of my ways, through obedience and trust in Him.  I also began to desire pure holiness!!  Mary was so holy that God chose her to bear His child! Hallelujah!  In coming to understand Mary, I began to desire and understand purity. Thank You, God! It doesn’t stop there though.  I also desired to love people, especially children with God’s love, which is unending, patient and gentle.  For sure, I thought this confirmed my vocation to bear children through marriage.

When I returned to the United States, I spoke with my spiritual director, by the way he is a Franciscan brother, TOR and so abundantly blessed!  He did reassure me that the Lord is speaking to my heart about my vocation, and will use different events so we can hear Him clearly. (By the way, I am beginning to shed those joyful tears that I tend to shed because I feel quite overwhelmed and filled with the Holy Spirit!)

As my relationship with Jesus continued to grow, through trials and challenges, periods of consolation and desolation, my heart was significantly being transformed before my eyes! Through much prayer, discernment, scripture studying, fellowship, group prayer, praise and worship (almost everyday!), the Lord had something deep He wanted me to know.

Summer of 2010, following graduation from physical therapy school and preparing to take the licensing exam, my days consisted of prayer, praise and worship, scripture, studying of course, daily mass, adoration weekly, and fellowship.  For about 5-6 weeks this was my day in a nutshell. Oh yeah, fasting often as well (which I can get into another time!). 

During adoration one day, the Lord was so present and spoke to me like He never has before.  In complete surrender, and spending time close to Him, He revealed himself to me in an image.  The image was Him staring into my eyes about 6-inches from my face, holding my face in the palm of His hands! Thank You, Lord!  He held me close and stared into my eyes in a gentle, yet firm way.  My heart was set on fire, and all I could do was say yes to whatever He was calling to!

Following my time with the Lord, I left and shed a lot of tears, not 100 percent sure what the Lord was telling me.  I called Michelle, and had to speak with my spiritual director in direction for prayer about this.  I found myself sobbing at times, because in my heart I felt the Lord was calling me to a religious vocation. I cried because it felt as though my whole world was crashing, from what I had planned to now considering complete opposite directions.  I felt selfish in not rejoicing to what Jesus was calling me to, but it was only in time that I found peace to clearly discern further. 

Through again, prayer, time with the Lord, scripture, adoration, mass, fasting, fellowship, and prayer with Brother, the Lord revealed God was calling me to “motherhood.”  This called for further discernment, spiritual versus natural motherhood.  Spiritual motherhood definitely resides and sets my heart on fire, with peace of Christ.  However, the Lord also brings joy and peace when I ask Him about natural motherhood, and spousal marriage.  I have been convicted that my vocation is marriage! Thank You, God!

The image the Lord blessed me with during adoration and in spending time close to Him revealed He is calling me to never go astray from Him; to remain in Him, with Him, in all that I am and all that I do.  Today, about 8 months later, the Lord has confirmed in my heart, I desire to remain in community with Him at all times! As a disciple, I desire to witness to other people through my actions, words, thoughts and body.  I am a vessel for the Lord, to be “used” for His glory!

In my coming to know the Lord, and experience His love, I know He will never let me down. He is the only One who consistently loves me (all of us!). He is so faithful, and satisfies the deepest desire of my heart.  My relationship with Jesus will forever be the most important one.  While understanding and believing this, I have hope that in spousal love and marriage, my husband will mirror Jesus.  He will show me the love of God.  In order to know, believe, understand and desire this, God needs to be the center of my life!

Some might think this is “unrealistic” for someone to mirror, or “be” someone’s Jesus as a spouse, but this is what God’s intentions were, and still are, for human love.  Jesus can never be replaced.  His love and His ways can be present though, in men and women. This is what my heart desires for myself, and for my spouse.  We are humans, and yes we will be disappointed at times, experience hurt or pain, struggle with sin or desires of the flesh, but when Christ is the center of two hearts, the rest falls into place!

I have truly been blessed while the Lord patiently helped my eyes, my mind and my heart learn and understand the true meaning of love, and spousal love through marriage.  Don’t get me wrong here, I am still learning!! The Lord has been patient, and I thank Him for that.  I have had one relationship in Christ since my ongoing conversion really started. It lasted about 5 months and it was a huge blessing to me.  I hope he can say the same.

Through guidance from my best friend Michelle who brought me close to the Lord and prayer for me and with me many times, she encouraged me to begin to pray for my heart to be changed into the woman God is calling me to be for my husband.  She also encouraged me to pray for my husband, yes, before knowing him!  Through these prayers and the presence of the Lord, He reveals to us certain things about ourselves that we can grow in so that we will be ready when the day comes to commit to someone else, as well as know the qualities in a man that will glorify God.  It helps with the discernment process, especially when you meet someone you may want to consider getting to know.  Remember, God is so gentle and desires to speak with us and to us, He doesn’t want to hide and leave secrets. We just have to ask Him and patiently await His answers, in His time. 


Again, I could go on and on. The Lord has blessed me this morning to tie a few things together.  Glory to You, Lord!  For Your great glory, I witness Your love and truth.  Thank You, Lord. 


"Caught up in the wonder of Your touch, here in this moment, I surrender to Your love." - Here With Me, MercyMe


God bless you ~


- Erin 

Painfully longing for Jesus!

Welcome

I am finding myself "lost for words" at times, but not because I have nothing to share,  but because it feels like too much! =)

I have had a couple days off from work and I had some great opportunities to spend quality time with the Lord.  On a day off I find myself joyfully "blasting" (not really blasting but the volume is high) praise and worship and/or christian music.  It never gets old!  I actually long to give the Lord so much praise, from the deepest part of my heart. Sometimes it feels like my heart may burst with great love, hence the title of tonight's blog =).   The Lord is glorified when we seek Him with all of our heart.

Morning mass is a great way to wake up and say yes to the Lord, and has helped flood my heart with the joy of the Lord today as well.  Not because I had to go,  but because the Lord has captivated my heart and because I love Him so much, I want to worship him entirely body, mind, spirit!

I want to share with you why I am sharing this.  If you would have asked me 2, 3, 5 years ago where I would be now, it would not have been in a situation or life like the one I am in now!  And I thank God for bringing me here!! How did I get to this joyful and free life?  I said yes, I said yes over and over to the Lord, not knowing what He was going to do with my life, and my heart.  Well because He is the God of impossible, and wondrous ways, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else.  It wasn't until I completely surrendered to Him, that I found life.

The Lord has been revealing new "things" to me the last couple of weeks or so (well He's always trying to speak to us), this week it's been a little bit clearer.  Something the Lord revealed to me tonight during a young adult prayer group and fellowship, was "this is my life," meaning that this is just the beginning of truly carrying out and living a faithful life in all that I am and all that I do!  He has prepared me in so many ways to say yes and trust His Spirit to work through me in so many ways.  I said yes, and I praise Him with all my heart, trust Him, love Him and listen to Him. His ways are so loving, gentle, true, kind, constant, faithful and holy!

Ministry, He has placed the desire for me to "branch" out (He is the vine) to His children, His people, in new ways from what I am currently doing.  I still have to bring it to prayer for clearer direction =). Our "conversions" are never ending until we are purified and holy in the Kingdom of our Heavenly Father. However, on earth the Lord calls us to holiness!  He calls each one of us to sanctity! That we may be holy because He is holy! (Leviticus) God has touched each of our hearts, and His plan for us is to continue to grow in His ways. If we ever feel "stagnant" we should ask the Lord to reveal what is keeping us from Him, He will be sure to let us know =). It's all or nothing!

This discussion, or these thoughts, could go on for quite a while.  I want to mention one more thing tonight.  The Lord is allowing me to grow in beautiful ways as a woman.  For the last... probably 10 years, but more significantly the last 3 years, I have been facing challenges with my identity as a woman, body image, sexuality, and I have received a lot of prayer and freedom from these issues.  My understanding, wisdom and knowledge of womanhood, purity, motherhood has been greatly increased. I can say through so much prayer and consecrating my life to the Lord, I am free from secular portrayal of women, sexuality and marriage. Thank You Lord, for Your gentleness, mercy and love which set me free!

Over the last couple of months I found myself continuing to face challenges regarding body image, eating and exercise habits.  However, in God's time through persistent trials and constant prayer, I see the Lord's hand at work.  In thanksgiving prayer before meals, I ask the Lord to bless the gifts I receive from Him, that they may cleanse my body, keep me healthy and pure, that I may be a healthy and holy temple for Him through His Spirit, to live and dwell within!  My body is a temple that houses the Holy Spirit, and in loving my body, I love God! He has created me in His image and likeness.  In loving myself, I love God.  How beautiful is that =).

I really could go on and on, but I know it's getting a little late. I thank the Lord for the work He has done in my life, and continues to do each day. Lord, may I never go astray from You!  Thank you for transforming my heart, and in doing so transforming my mind, actions and desires. You are such a gentle and loving God and You are so worthy of all of my praises!  In all that I do, may I honor You, O Lord. You are worthy!  From the depths of my heart I give you praise and thanks. In You I am free! Hallelujah!

God bless you <3

Don't forget, if you have any questions, want me to elaborate, or discuss further just let me know!

Sleep well =)

- Erin

"Reassure my heart somehow, that the Love that I feel is so much more real than anything"

Good evening =) 


I write this blog, giving it to the Lord.  I ask that He guides my heart and mind through Christ Jesus, to witness to you and open your heart to see, believe and experience the depth of the love our God has for each one of us... for you!


From the very beginning.... God had plans for you, to prosper you and give you life!  The Lord tells us..  


"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 


"But when he comes, the Spirit of TRUTH, he will guide you to all truth. He will not speak on his own, but he will speak what he hears and will declare to you the things that are coming." John 16:13


God created you, and from that very beginning, He loved you so much He gave you the gift of life! To live, to live in happiness, love, peace, joy, gentleness, all which are fruits of His Spirit.  Through Him, we live in the Truth, free from the "anxieties" and false beliefs of the world.  Through Him, we are home, in the kingdom of our Heavenly Father here on earth.  Heavenly Father... have you ever truly thought about Him as your Father? 


He loves you so much!! He patiently forgives us, He patiently waits for us to ask Him for help knowing we will sin, but is quick to forgive us because He desires nothing more than to love us!!  To know His true love, we are called to seek Him above everything else... because He is worthy!!  Glory to You O Lord!


I will eventually get into how the Lord has captured my heart.  The Lord has continued to bless my heart, and heal me each day for my wrong doings and my past.  However, I have experienced great mercy and continue to be molded into the woman He has called me to be!  My life has been changed completely and I have experienced the forgiveness of the Lord, His love, joy, peace, gentleness, and light.. all which guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.  


I look forward to continuing to share with you, if you are willing to hear ... well, read =) 


May Our Heavenly Father, hold you close in His arms, where His unending love is poured into your heart to witness His great love for you, His beautiful child!  Like no other, He created you, perfect in the image and likeness, just as He had planned, and through our sins and earthly faults, He loves us just the way we are!  May Jesus, through His Holy Spirit, be the light to your feet, and lamp to your heart, that you may experience Him in new ways! He thirsts for you. 




God bless you!! 


-Through the love of Christ- God's peace be in your heart-


Erin 

*It's more like falling in love, than something to believe in..*

Hello!!


It's been a while since I last wrote, not only here, but even in my journal.  Temptation won I suppose, because I know it's a huge blessing for me to write and I let the enemy "trick" me into not making time. But I am back =)


I just had a beautiful weekend. The last couple of weeks felt "heavy" with errands, and things that needed to get done.  I felt quite distracted and limited in my self control, making decisions that may not have been the best.  I have been redeemed with this weekend, off from work with the opportunity for a retreat!  Glory to God, but I feel rejuvenated.  The Lord never ceases to amaze me. 


I want to share with you a little bit about my experience this weekend. 


I have found myself the last couple of weeks, actually, the last couple of months, struggling with self control in many aspects of my life.  I have received A LOT of healing from my past, but certain things have continued to resurface.  To say the least, I have been struggling with self control which I know is important to fulfill my call to marriage.  This, the Lord has confirmed this past weekend =). 


Self control is a manifestation of the Holy Spirit. The Lord poured His love, mercy and grace into my heart this weekend, and spoke to me in a powerful way. He made Himself known and shined His face upon my heart, so that I would find hope in Him and I did.  


Self control and gentleness are the two words the Lord placed on my heart with a strong desire to meditate upon, and let them kindle a fire within my heart, allowing Him to strengthen me.  Today following yesterday's retreat and in reflecting upon all the Lord revealed to me, I can say by the grace of our great God, I desire nothing less than all the Lord is calling me to!  This brings me hope and joy. Seeking the Lord's will gives me a center of peace, and in return, self-control. Trusting the Lord also brings me humbleness, and in return gentleness.  Thank You, Lord!  He never ceases to amaze me. 


I hope this makes some sense. I guess my point in sharing this brief story is that the Lord's mercy is powerful, if we seek Him each day.  Like our relationships between two human beings, our relationship with the Lord is quite similar. We have to constantly "work" at it. The only difference is, the Lord is consistent in His love, mercy and peace, and knows us better than we know ourselves. In the good and bad, we need to call to Jesus and give in thanks and praise.  He desires, thirsts and longs for our total surrender.  He wants to lead our hearts in His path of happiness and righteousness. When we struggle, we need to turn to Him, because He will!! carry us. He hears our cries. Even if we want the difficult situation to disappear right now, we need to continue to turn to the Lord, and in His time He will work it to good. He is doing it right now. Have a little faith ;-)




It's gotten late and I should be going to sleep!! Gym time comes quickly. 


God bless you ~  Rest in the hands of Jesus, where His love cradles your mind, body and spirit.  May He hold you close to His most Sacred Heart, and lift you into the mantle of Mary's love. Goodnight.


- Erin