Good, Lord, I cannot bear all the love you have showered upon me, but I humbly accept it and rejoice in it, in You. The taste of Your Heavenly, Divine, Perfect love keeps me yearning for You and Your ways more and more each day. Thank You.
So, today, my God-sent heavenly gift, my answered prayer, the man God has given to me as a precious and true gift, decided to share with me that he looked back to our first "talk" via email in March (2011). We met the end of February at a blessed young adult group in NJ, and well, in March by the grace of the Lord, I contacted him through email. God put the desire on my heart to reach out to him, not to be afraid. I trusted the call on my heart, and praise God for that, 8 months later, God's confirmed His will for the two of us.
I want to share a little bit about our discernment, and walk with the Lord, and how He has blessed our relationship. My reason for sharing is, I am simply amazed, how each day the Lord reveals His will for us, while seeking and knocking, to find and see the door He has opened.
In February, the Lord led me to Spirit and Truth, a young adult group in Hamilton NJ. I was previously going to the S&T in Linden which is closer to where I live, but it was on my heart to make the trip to Hamilton (about 1 hour and 20 min away). I finally had some time off in February and took the trip down on a Friday night. Not knowing anyone, I trusted the Lord, that He would be with me always, and no matter who I met, the Lord would be glorified in seeking a community of Truth. This was my hearts desire.
That first night, I encountered a man who I was drawn to, to share my love for Jesus with. I honestly didn't think anything of it, I was on fire for the Lord, and he understood, while sharing His love for Jesus with me as well... praise God! It was a quick conversation, otherwise consumed in the other conversations with many beautiful people. I met many great people that night, other women, as well as men, and I instantly felt a beautiful connection through the grace of God, being able to share faith and converse all night in fellowship and prayer. It was beautiful, and the next week, I went back =).
My intention was purely coming to know the other young adults, gathering in Truth, coming to know the Lord, sharing faith, praying and enjoying the evenings with the Lord. Again, I didn't think anything of it, but the one man and we shared how much the Lord has saved our lives from darkness and brought us into His Light. It was so awesome! That night, we spent about 2 hours talking outside our cars in the parking lot, strictly about the grace of the Lord, His Divine Mercy, His Truth and Kingdom on earth, all while freezing through snowflakes and breezy winds (worth the suffering). This occurred for about 2 more weeks until I reached out to find his email in my S&T email list, and pour out a prayerful blessing upon him. Still, not thinking much of it, besides "wow, he is so beautiful, the Lord has set him free!"
Never, did I have any doubt in my heart about him or the friendly situation... it's comforting when I look back, at how the Lord was giving me such Divine grace while reaching out to this man, talking with this man, sharing in fellowship and community at S&T and simply sharing our love for the Lord with one another. Soon enough, this man reached out to get my number... we still conversed through email, occasional text message, pouring blessings upon one another, sharing and witnessing to one another, and in expectant faith looking forward to our continued growth in faith. It was innocent, gentle, joyful, stress-free, worry-free, kind and peaceful.
In my past, I would find myself worrying, questioning, doubting, wondering, all sorts of small things... should I text/call/email him or wait for him to me, I wonder what he's thinking, is this weird? etc, etc. However, this time, I found my mind and heart at peace, all while seeking the Lord first and always. The Lord was my center of attention, in my daily walk with Him, I did not dwell on things of this world, the secular world I was once apart of. I trusted the Lord.
Before I knew it, the Lord was putting on my heart, warm, affectionate thoughts and feelings, that remained pure and faithful to the Lord's will. I continued to pray and ask the Lord to unite His will to mine, to lead me, and I found myself praying about this man. I didn't worry though, and about 2 months passed where he and I were companions in Truth, brothers/sisters in Christ and it was beautiful. In our young adult group, prayer, praise and worship, adoration, fellowship, we were attracted to each other's faith above all, praise God.
I don't know exactly how long this took, but it was on my heart to talk with him about furthering our companionship into what God would will regarding a discernment about a relationship. It came up in conversation with such great ease, and apparently the Lord put it on both of our hearts, praise God! We discerned, and very clearly discussed all aspects of what this meant... seeking God's will and His call for a relationship leading to our vocation (which has been discerned prior to our meeting that both of us are called to marriage).
In adoration one evening, the first night we hung-out outside of S&T, the Lord put on my heart "you can trust him" and the Lord put on his heart "guard her heart." Glory to God!!!!! It was such a beautiful moment, (my tears are rolling as we speak... as I type). We shared this afterward, but it was an overwhelming grace of the Lord's anointing, where He manifested Himself in a physical sense to each of us, and in a deep sense in our hearts. From this day on, I never doubted His call. We both wanted to further discern, and continued to make sure of our call with one another.
By the grace of God alone, our call has been confirmed on many instances. Throughout the last 8 months, I might have felt "fear" of this being true, or "fear" of letting my own will and pride get in the way, however through consistent prayer and trust in the Lord, He has taken away all fear and blessed me with overwhelming joy in His call for my life and vocation.
Words alone, cannot do justice for the way the Lord has granted me peace, comfort, love, joy, humility and compassion in my vocation as a wife, with him alone. He is God-sent to me. I know that I alone cannot live without the Lord, and He has given me the grace to see, this man He sent me is to help purify my life, my heart and help me to sanctification. I can't without him. Also, my desire to bring Him closer to the Lord, which can only be fulfilled through the grace of the Lord! Praise God.
For a while, I questioned how I could ever love a man enough to be called to marriage, because my love for Jesus was not comparable. It didn't make sense to me, and I began to re-discern my vocation. The Lord blessed me with His Spirit to reassure my hearts call to marriage. I still yearned (still do) to completely love Jesus and be loved by Him, that I did not understand how I can love or receive love from another human being.
However, the Lord blessed me by telling me and confirming, this is correct; I will never love or receive love from a human being that will ever compare to Jesus, although, His love will be reflected in another human being. Praise God, I understand! The Lord has allowed me to see that a human being, my God-sent spouse to be, reflects Jesus' love, God's love for me, and I am called to reflect that love for/to him as well. He is an image of God for me. I trust Jesus, and I trust him.
And so, I was recently re-reading the emails he and I sent to each other. It's such a blessing to know him now, and look back at our conversations and blessings. The Lord was (still is) at work in the both of us, and with us together! Glory to God alone. I am overwhelmed with such a deep joy, my eyes fill with raindrop tears. One thing, one of the many, that the Lord has revealed to me, is that when he fell away from the Church, and the Lord, God still loved him. The Lord has placed such a deep love on my heart for him, and told me "I never gave up on him" even when he gave up on the Lord. O, how my heart rejoices in the love of Christ. I see the Lord's love and beauty in him, and I rejoice with the Lord in his "yes."
Thank you for allowing me to share a piece of my heart with you. This story is not finished, but it was on my heart, to journal and witness of God's love revealed through Jesus, through His Spirit, and through His children to one another. Jesus, I trust in You.
God bless you, brothers and sisters in Christ. May the Lord have mercy on each of us, and bring us all home into His warm embrace. Peace be with you.
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